This is a note to the future Courtney Jane Urquhart :

Courtney, this is you. You when you were an eighteen year old kid. I just wanted you to remember some things about yourself. I don't know where you are now, but I wanted you to know how you felt when you were eighteen.

Try and remember :

You should know that at one time you wanted to be something great. But that didn't mean being rich or famous. You just wanted to be important to people.

You wanted people to love you, and maybe even more important, you wanted someone to love. You liked the thought that having someone to love was enough.

You liked going to the beach and challenging the seagulls to attack you. You wondered what made seagulls aggressive when most birds were afraid of you.

You liked how your girls were always up for anything. How a night driving around town was what you made it.

You hated the people at your church.

Every one of them.

But you were madly in love with Joey Dignam.

You loved movies and love watching them with three fabulous girls and a boy with no DDR skills whatsoever. You loved discussing them like movie critics.

You loved music and thought sometimes it was speaking straight to you.

You wanted to be Regina Spektor.

You were always trying to remember what it felt like to really trust someone. It had been so long you had kind of forgotten.

You still liked boys, but you never bothered anymore to lay your affections on anyone in particular.

If you're not married, you wanted to be. But only in the most ideal situation.

You wanted to marry a man who loved you so much he'd do anything for you, but he'd know that he'd never have to. He'd know he was taken care of. He'd never get tired of you, and you'd never get tired of him. The company of one another would be the best thing ever.

You wanted to have a little girl whose father would talk to as if she were an adult right from birth. He'd say things like "How are you doing today, ma'am?" And he'd know she couldn't answer him. But he was so excited because he'd know that someday she would.

You wanted to live overseas.

You wanted to die before your family and friends. You didn't want to spend one second without any one of them.

You thought if your sister ever died you'd go insane. You loved her so much. She meant more than anything to you, even though you didn't always show it. Sometimes you wondered if she knew that. But you knew it, and that's what mattered.

You loved your mother for trying to embarrass you, time and time again. You didn't hate it like some would.

You loved your father for being strict, but always loving.

You loved your Granny Pop and how a conversation with her could brighten your day. Remember when she gave you the Grandmothers bood for your 18th birthday? You cried tears of love and happiness that night. But also tears of sadness to think that she might not see your 19th.

You loved the times you spent with Jessica. Talking about boys and your lack thereof. But it was never a bad thing. You just loved that you were with your best friend.

You liked it when you wrote things like this and it made you cry all over your keyboard.

It made you so mad to think of you ever not being like this.

If you're at a job right now where you have to sit and do the same thing every day, if what you're doing doesn't deal with people, if its what seems like success to a lot of people, but not really to you; you never wanted that. You wanted so much more.

But in reality, so little.

You wanted to help people. Not with what you could give to them, because you knew you didn't have much to offer. But you wanted to help them with what you could say to them, with what you could do for them.

You really wanted to grow up and get a job that you would love. Or maybe not get a job at all. Maybe travel.

Maybe teach history at a highschool and be everyone's favorite teacher. Because you'd care about them. You'd try your best to know who they were and to love them.

You'd try -- and fail -- to imitate Mr. Matheson. Because no one can imitate genius.

All in all, you wanted to be just a regular girl. You wanted to be looked up to. You wanted to teach people how to love. But you weren't always sure you knew how.

If you don't remember any of these things, I kind of hope you never do.

I hope you're happy with your job, with your relationships, with you life.

But this is who you wanted so deeply and desperately to be.

This was you.

And you loved it.

From now until forevermore, you will be my baby, my darlin', my one and only.

Without you, I am nothing. Less than nothing. I would not, could not be me without you.

I love you to the ends of the earth and back. More times than you can count. Ever.

Nothing could happen to change how I feel about you, no matter what life throws our way. You will always be my favourite boy, Lover #1, and the keeper of my heart.

No one could possibly love me as much as you do. We may as well start planning the wedding now. Living without you is not really living at all.

Thank you for being my friend when I felt alone.
Thank you for holding my hand when I was unstable.
Thank you for loving me even through rejection.
Thank you for giving me your shoulder to cry on, many times.
Thank you for standing beside me, come what may.

There is no way for me to possibly express the immense love I hold for you. It is more profound than the deepest oceans, more fierce than a raging battle.

Love is the most exquisite, consuming emotion in human existence. I have previously thought myself in love, but nothing has ever compared to what I see when I look in your eyes, when you flash me that smile, when we're holding each other so infinitely close that we melt into one. I never thought I could endure the many feelings of anger, happiness, sadness, and adoration all at once and yet be alive, lungs breathing, heart throbbing.

I am so amazed by you. The impossible has occurred. I fall in love with you more and more every time I see you. A picture, even a simple memory removes all doubt. I could never have discovered this love on my own. Somewhere out there, must be a god. And you are the highest elevated angel.

My baby ;
My boy ;
My lover ;
My heart ;
My angel ;
My darlin' :

They are all names that lead to only one possible conclusion :
Joey, you are mine, eternally.